


Apologize

by OurUnsungHeroes42344



Series: Apologizing because there's no good in goodbye [1]
Category: Castle
Genre: AU, Gen, Post-Always, Ryan whump, Songfic, apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7487493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurUnsungHeroes42344/pseuds/OurUnsungHeroes42344
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Post season 4 finale Always. Tag to Onerepublic's Apologize. Join Kevin and Javier through 8 chapters of betrayal, anger, regret, sadness, relief, fear, grief, pain and learning how to apologize before it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm hearing what you say

Apologize

Chapter 1: Javier

'I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound.'

How dare he do this to her? To him? To them? They'd trusted him without a question, trusting him to have their backs. And how did he repay them for their unwavering trust? He'd stabbed them in the back. He'd done the one thing they'd unanimously agreed on not doing, no matter what. But nope, trust and promises don't apply to Kevin Ryan, no he's above it all.

He throws his badge and gun lightly on the desk and steps back, waiting for Kate to follow suit. Sure rushing in just the two of them hadn't been their brightest move but Ryan had no right, ratting them out to Gates like that. He had other options, for example: grab LT and Karpowski, they're trustworthy enough and enough firepower to back them up sufficiently. But no, that hadn't even crossed his mind, straight to Gates, straight to SWAT, who, for all they knew had a corrupt cop in their midst.

"Keep it. I resign," Kate's words barely register in his head before she walks out of the office towards her desk. He exchanges a look with Gates, forgetting to be mad at her for suspending them. After all she was just doing her job, Ryan on the other hand...

He stalks out behind Beckett and surprise surprise, who should be watching from his desk, waiting but Kevin Ryan.

He has to pass right by his ex-partner's desk to reach his and his coat, he's so mad he contemplates screwing his coat and leaving without it. He almost does that too, almost.

But a loud crack of thunder and the pounding of the rain on the windows wins him over, he submits himself to passing by Ryan's desk and in extension...

_'Judas,'_ the thought enters his brain of it's own accord. Where had that come from? After a moment he finds himself nodding. Yeah, Judas. It fits after all.

Trembling with anger he stalks towards his desk, looking straight ahead, even though he feels Ryan's eyes on him.

He reaches his desk and grabs his coat but a voice makes him freeze in his tracks. "Javi, I had to."

He can't breathe. Can't respond. Can't move. He desperately fights for control of his body, overcome with rage. How dare he make excuses! How dare he use that wounded tone! How dare he do this to him! Concentrating on breathing normally he calms himself down.

Without looking back he motions for Ryan to follow him and he continues towards the elevator, he hears footsteps behind him as he steps into the waiting elevator car, purposely avoiding looking at his companion, he pushes the button that would take them to the parking garage.

The doors open with a ding and he motions for Ryan to exit before he discretely sends the elevator to every floor in the building before exiting himself. It would be a good while before anyone could reach the parking garage via the elevator. It would also be quite a few minutes before the elevator would arrive if called from the parking garage .

The concrete floor is slick with the same rain that pounds outside just a few feet away. Large puddles have long since begun to form, dotting the mostly empty garage.

He forces himself to look Ryan right in the face as he turns to look at him. It's only then he quickly takes in his appearance. His clothes and hair are mussed, eyes bloodshot and wide with unshed tears. Those damn baby blue puppy dog eyes. "Javi, I-" his voice breaks and he falters.

"I-" that's as far as he allows him to go before holding up a finger in the universal 'shut up' signal. Before he himself really knows what's happening his finger curls back into his fist and rockets towards Ryan's nose.

**CRACK!**

Ryan's nose breaks and sprays blood as his head jerks back and he falls away from him, crumpling to a pathetic heap in a puddle.

"You think I forgive you! **NEVER!** Kate resigned because of you! She's never coming back! Neither is Castle! You just had to go and open your freaking mouth! You didn't save us, you destroyed us! You betrayed us! You're nothing better than a no good, backstabbing, snitch of a Judas! I Hate You! If I EVER see you again I'll finish you myself! You're Dead To Me! You Hear? **DEAD!** I'll Never Forget This! I'll Never Forgive You! **NEVER!** He screams, punctuating each sentence with a harsh, well placed kick.

Aiming one last hard kick at his midsection, causing him to roll away with a scream, Javier stalks away into the rain. By this point Ryan's curled into a ball in an attempt to protect his stomach and ribs from further abuse.

He leaves Kevin Ryan behind him in a crumpled, crying, soaking, bleeding heap on the ground.

He blinks to clear the vision from his eyes, grabbing his keys he stalks away from their desks and away from an unharmed Kevin Ryan. The vision his mind had conjured up scared him, the thought of doing that to him...he refuses to look back, not trusting himself.

"Javi," Ryan whispers from behind, voice breaking.

He can't trust himself at the moment. He hears what Ryan says but he can't make a sound in reply, nor movement, he's so furious at him, instead he closes the elevator doors safely separating them.

Part 1 of 8


	2. Tell me that you need me, then you go and cut me down

Apologize

Chapter 2: Kevin Ryan

'Tell me that you need me, then you go & cut me down. Wait, tell me that you're sorry, didn't think I'd turn around.'

The suspension was one of the longest three months of Kevin's life. Besides the brief hiatus the day after, that lasted all of no more than 36 hours, which of course seemed to fly by, he hadn't seen or talked to Castle, Beckett or even Javi since.

Those long three months had slowly progressed into a living hell. For the first time since joining the team at the 12th he'd slowly begun to dread going into work. Hours, that before seemed to fly by with his friends and the crime solving chemistry they had together, turned into long, slow, friendless hours that seemed to drag on, exhausting him. The first few weeks had been some of the worst, he's used to good hearted ribbing from the other officers as he was still referred to as the "new guy" but those joking teasing comments had now taken a turn for the worse. Name calling, misplaced papers, "accidentally" spilled coffee, feet sticking out to trip him, stolen property, mean pranks ever increasing in severity and harm, verbal and physical abuse. Backup was a thing of the past. The hours spent at the 12th were now filled with these on a daily basis. Unless Gates was present he was no longer "Detective Ryan" but "Judas".

Over time he'd grown used to most of it, or at least as used to it one can get and he'd learned to tune things out. At first he'd fought back but eventually he'd stopped fighting. He was too tired to fight it anymore.

The worst thing of all wasn't even the abuse he endured at work. At work he could tune it out and bury himself in what remained of his job, at home however. Whispers. Voices from his past echo in the lonely, exhausting, restless hours over and over with nothing to drown them out. Sleep was no good either. Because if he shut his eyes and sleep did indeed come, no relief would come with it, only terror and guilt.

So, he slowly falls into a new schedule. He forces himself to stay awake for several days until he quite literally passes out. He eats minimally and drinks more and more excessively this leads him to up to four days without sleep and barely any food. On the fifth day he treats it like any other day, that is at least until he gets home that night. When he gets home he collapses into a deep sleep, that, if he's lucky, is dreamless. He usually wakes around noon the next day and stuffs himself with food before falling back to sleep from the sheer amount of it. On Sunday he wakes around noon again and showers, letting the near scalding water wash the previous week off him, standing head bowed until the water runs cold. He eats dinner and calls Javi, at least he attempts to.

After the first month he stops leaving a message, Javier never picks up of course, but it helps a little, hearing his partner's voice on the answering message. After that he allows himself a few more hours of sleep, but he soon wakes around one from the dreams. Depending on the dream he may try to sleep more but more often then not he rushes to the bathroom and empties his stomach before passing out on the cool tile, his gun clutched in his hand.

This goes on for about a month until 'The Event'. By this time his hair is long and unkept, his face covered with a small amount of slightly grey stubble, eyes bloodshot and dull, his attire at work has slowly progressed from messy but still identifiable as normal for him to the complete opposite. Jeans and sweaters have replaced the impeccable three piece suits and ties, dress shoes with sneakers and leather or suit jackets with nothing or a light coat. He's also lost quite a bit of weight and his skin while normally pale looks pure white. This is six weeks into the suspension of Javi and Kate and in extension Rick. 42 days of calling Javier every Sunday after the first 7 days in a row. On the 42nd day Javier Esposito picks up the phone.

"Esposito."

"..."

"Hello?"

"... J-javi?"

"Yeah? What's up?"

"...uh... can we talk?"

_*sigh*_ "Not now."

"J-javi, p-please..."

"Meet me tomorrow seven at your place."

"Yeah, okay."

"I gotta go, tomorrow then."

A click and the line goes dead. "Thank you," Kevin whispers before he drops the phone to the floor and collapses on the couch tears streaming from his eyes, but for the first time they were tears of relief that tempered the pain in his heart. The relief, however doesn't last. It starts that very night with the worst dream he'd had since the first few days.

It's just before seven the next night. Kevin Ryan walks around his apartment with a spring in his step. His hair is short and gelled like normal and he's clean shaven. He's also wearing his favorite three piece and the tie Javi had gotten him for their one year anniversary of becoming partners. He's just finished cleaning up the rest of the mess left behind from the rut he'd fallen into when there's a knock on the door. Almost running for the door he skids to a stop and throws open the door, a huge grin on his face. Standing just out of reach in the hall is Javier Esposito, his lost partner and brother returned to him.

"Javi! You have no idea how good it is to see you bro!" Kevin greets enthusiastically.

Seemingly surprised by the warm welcome Javi takes a moment to respond, "yeah. It's good to see you too, man."

"You wanna come inside and I don't know play some Madden, drink a beer or two?" Kevin gestures animatedly towards the couch.

Again Javi hesitates unsure. "I was thinking more along the lines of maybe hitting The Old Haunt or something like that."

Kevin's smile wavers ever so slightly but only for a second. "Great idea Javi! I'll go get my coat, give me a second." He bounces away for a moment to grab his coat and wallet, leaving his phone on the charging cord on accident, too overjoyed to think straight.

The ride over in Javi's car is a silent one but one can tell how excited, nervous and tense Kevin is just by the way he can't sit still but doesn't trust himself to speak at the same time. Javier parks the car down an alley reserved for owner's, in this case Richard Castle, and friends of said owner. Javi silently leads him to a back booth near the back entrance and waves over a waitress. He orders two beers and pays, the two men sit in silence nursing their respective beers.

Somewhere around nine, ten o'clock the Old Haunt begins to fill up, the regular crowd shuffling in, Kevin pays for the last round of beer and Javier rises, Kevin following suit the two men make their way out the back into the alley.

They'd exchanged small talk, catching each other up on the six weeks so far of their lives apart, but they'd avoided any mention of the proverbial elephant in the room. A stranger observing them would never be able to guess the two were partner's who were practically brothers. No, to the casual observer they were nothing more than colleagues or acquaintances.

The tension between them is slowly killing Ryan, so he decides to make the first move.

"Hey, Javier, can we talk man, this just isn't right," he says cautiously, stopping where he stands in the alley.

Espo, who is slightly in front of him stops dead in his tracks. "You're right, it isn't." A rush of relief surges through Kevin, that is, unfortunately, shortlived as Javi continues, "I shouldn't be here, not with you at least."

"W-what? Jav-" that's as far as a stunned Kevin Ryan gets before he catches the full force of Esposito's surprise right hook to the jaw.

Kevin stumbles back, tripping over a bottle and crashing to the ground. Javier advances on him and Kevin instinctively scoots backwards, his head spinning. Pain explodes in his ribs as a sharp kick catches him square in the chest, sending him sprawling on the ground a foot away. "Javi, d-don't," he wheezes, clutching his sides.

Javier doesn't respond but stalks towards him and grabs him by the shirt collar, hauling him to his feet he throws his former partner against the wall. Javier follows, pinning the smaller man face first against the wall. He holds his head against the bricks and hisses into his ear, "Why shouldn't I? It's what you deserve isn't it? Nothin' but a no good rat, a Judas."

Javier backs off him long enough to spin him around. Cold, dark brown eyes, devoid of any emotion but anger meet wide, terrified, wounded blue eyes for a moment before he rains a series of punches to Kevin's middle. "You think I forgive you?! **Never! You mean nothing to me! Nothing!** "

Kevin does nothing to defend himself or stop the abuse, he takes it with silent tears falling from his eyes. Javier stops and Kevin falls to the ground, unable to support himself, curling up into a protective ball. "J-javi, p-please stop. I'm so sorry, you're right, okay. I've learned my lesson, please just stop. Find it in your heart to forgive me, please, I know deep down you remember the real us. Brothers, Partners. J-javi, please it's me, okay, it's Kevin," he begs for all he's worth, tears streaming from his eyes.

Javier just glares down at him. "We are not brothers. We are not friends. I'd rather die than be your partner," he spits, pulling his backup gun from his waistband.

Kevin's eyes widen with fear and panic. "J-javi?" He asks in disbelief, no way in hell he'd pull that trigger, not a chance in **BANG!**

Kevin Ryan jerks up into a sitting position on his couch, choking on the bile that rises in his mouth he races for the bathroom, throwing up the seat with just enough time before his body ejects the contents of his stomach. He flushes the toilet and flops back on the cool tile, sobs shaking his thin form. The last part of his dream flashing through his mind over and over again.

Maybe an hour later he hauls himself upright and catches sight of himself in the mirror, hair shaggy, face unshaven and pale, streaked with tears, eyes dull and bloodshot, underlined by dark circles. Turning away disgusted, but not enough to really care, he stumbles to his room and falls into bed, asleep before he hits the pillow.

Several long weeks later and Kevin Ryan is walking in the front door to his apartment, closing the door on the last week of the suspension, now perhaps this hell could be over.

The next day after 'The Event/Dream' he'd waited all day for Javi to show, but at the same time treating it like a normal day. Javier never showed, so the next day he called his cell and got the voicemail. Kevin eventually decides he'd made the entire conversation up in his stupor.

So the coming Monday would be the first real time he'd seen or talked to any of his team. Starting that Friday night Kevin fell back into his normal pre-suspension schedule, eating, drinking water and, at least attempting, at sleep normally.

Monday morning he stares at his new reflection in the mirror, his towel wrapped around his bare torso, hands gripping the counter. His face is still hollow and extremely pale but he's clean shaven. He carefully combs his newly cut hair back and gels it in his normal fashion. His eyes aren't as bloodshot and dull, the circles under his eyes are barely noticeable. In short he looks better, but nowhere near normal. Finishing at the sink he steps on his scale and winces at the number he'd lost almost 100 pounds over the last three months.

Hurrying into his bedroom he drops the towel and pulls on his underwear, he's about to pull his t-shirt on when he catches sight of himself in the full length mirror. He's as thin as a rail and white as a ghost, he's lost almost all of his muscle and he seems to shake. Reminding himself nobody would notice, they wouldn't care enough to, he finishes dressing and hurries off to work, hopeful about the day for the first time in months.

Later that night the door to Kevin's apartment opens and closes with a thud as he falls against it, exhausted and emotionally spent. The case had been like any other for the most part but things definitely weren't the same. As for time spent in the precinct itself things were much better, especially if Beckett and Castle were present.

He'd laid eyes on Javier for the first time in three months. His heart had ached to embrace his lost brother to beg his forgiveness and tell him how sorry he was but something held him back, memories of his dreams perhaps. Working together had been mostly silent and awkward, neither able to talk about anything but the current case. The same could be said for Beckett and Castle but less awkward.

At one point near the end of day Castle and Beckett had left to chase down a lead on the streets leaving him and Javier to check alibis and other case related matters that may or may not require a few phone calls.

He'd had his head buried in some reports he'd just printed off and never saw the foot extended to trip him coming. He went down hard, the files scattering and sliding across the bullpen. Face no doubt red and hot with shame he'd hauled himself to his feet and started to pick up the scattered papers. After getting the ones that had gone out in front of him he'd turned to collect the few that had fallen behind him only to find them already gathered and extended out to him in the arms of another. Javier Esposito hands him the papers calmly before returning to his desk. He'd stood there in shock for a moment before putting the papers safely on his desk.

He'd then sat in his chair, procrastinated for a moment before making up his mind and turning to face the desk behind him. "Thanks, Javi."

"Yeah, don't mention it," he'd replied with no distinct emotion.

Hope bubbling up inside of him, he'd turned back to his desk for a moment before swiveling back around partially to see Javi whispering and laughing with the officer who'd tripped him. Pretending to rumage through a drawer in his desk for something he watched them out of the corner of his eye until Javier did something he'd never seen him do before, especially not to him. As Javi glanced between the other officer and him he said one last thing to the officer before turning back towards Kevin and flipping him off. Not knowing the Irishman was watching him.

In that moment Kevin's heart skipped a beat and he knew he was still in square one at mending their broken relationship.

It broke his heart. True, but as he washes the day off in the shower, he vows to himself never to give up. As far as Kevin Ryan is concerned the wheels are still on.

Part 2 of 8


	3. It's too late to apologize, it's too late

Apologize  
Chapter 3: Javier Esposito  
'It's too late to apologize, it's too late.'

It had been a long day. Javier pushes the door closed, slips off his shoes, tosses his coat on a chair and grabs a beer from the fridge before sitting down heavily on the couch. He opens and takes a huge swig of the beer before putting it on the little table. The case was rather boring actually lots of people to check alibis and even more waiting to be ran the next morning. At least Castle and Beckett seemed to be enjoying themselves... He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, taking another swig of the beer, fighting to remain calm. He'd been in the precinct all day and so had Kevin Ryan.

He'd been an ass. Sighing he thinks back to that first post suspension day...

The elevator emits a ding as it opens to a mostly empty bullpen at about 6 o'clock allowing Detective Javier Esposito to step out and into the bullpen for the first time in three months. The few people who are already there greet him happily despite the early hour and he responds with just as much enthusiasm, god he'd missed this. Well maybe not the early hour but it beat being alone all day. He tosses his coat on his chair and sits to wait for everyone else.

It's then he notices his favorite coffee mug sitting on his desk, steam rising up, filling his nose with the smell of coffee. He grabs it, finding the mug warm from the surprisingly hot coffee, he lifts it and takes a tentative sip. It's then he notices his favorite coffee mug sitting on his desk, steam rising up, filling his nose with the smell of coffee. He grabs it, finding the mug warm from the surprisingly hot coffee, he lifts it and takes a tentative sip. Surprise and warmth fills his being as he recognizes the perfect mix; it's made just the way he likes. He swivels around slowly, scanning the bullpen carefully, looking for the person he needed to thank. Beckett's desk is empty, the missing elephant statues proof she hadn't yet been in. Spinning back the other way he notices the chair at the desk behind him is occupied by a dark blue suitcoat.

Recognition flooring him he spins back towards his desk, glancing discreetly towards the break room as movement catches his eye.

"Kevin," he breathes. He watches out of the corner of his eye as the Irishman moves about the room with practiced ease as he prepares himself a cup. Classy pale blue shirt, a plaid tie in varying shades of blue, complete with what looks to be a dark grey vest. Javier feels his heart squeeze a bit; he'd given Kevin that tie.

Seeing Kevin move towards the door Javier makes sure his back is turned in a way that looks as if he hasn't seen the other man but in a way that he can still keep an eye on him.

Watching his partner make his way towards his desk Javier's shocked to see how much he's changed in three months. He's still Kevin for sure, dapper three piece suit, dress shoes, gelled hair and all but as someone who knows him more than most he notices the changes. For one he looks exhausted, his eyes dull and skin paler than normal. Although he walks with confidence towards him he's lost all his muscle and he seems to shake. It shocks Javier to the core. He'd never in over four years of partnership seen him like this.

It hits him all at once, _'this is my fault.'_ He'd been a total ass the last few months and it was taking it's toll on Kevin.

It's then Kevin notices him and he freezes in his tracks momentarily before continuing to his desk. He sets his mug down and takes his seat.

"Hey-" Javier decides to take the first stab at breaking the ice, but breaks off when Kevin turns to face him slightly.

Javier's vision goes red and he throws his hot coffee all over Kevin before kicking his chair over, the Irishman goes down with it. He stands over the fallen detective and places his foot on Kevin's chest.

"Javi! What the hell?" Kevin wheezes beneath him, too stunned and or weak to struggle beneath him.

"Shut up! You don't get to call me that anymore, Judas!" Javier screams in his partner's face, ramming his fist down hard.

Kevin does nothing to shelter himself from the blows nor stop the assault.

"Espo?" Javier blinks and shakes his head. Kevin Ryan sits untouched in his chair, both coffees remain on their respective desks. "Espo?"

Javier can't find the words to respond, horrified he turns tail and runs into the men's bathroom, rushing into the first stall, locking the door he bends over the toilet.

He empties breakfast into the toilet before he slides the door down to the tile, cursing in spanish. He thought he'd rid himself of these feelings, he hadn't had a dream in three whole nights, but back there he'd had another episode. Ever since that first night...

Javier knocks on a door and it opens. On the other side stands Kevin Ryan, who looks thrilled, surprised and close to tears with joy to see him. Javier allows himself to be ushered into Kevin's apartment before he turns around, pulls out his gun, points it at Kevin's face and pulls the trigger.

Javier jolts upright in bed, covered in sweat, heart beating on overdrive, hyperventilating. Sliding out of bed he stumbles into the bathroom, turning on the faucet. Splashing the cold water on his face he turns off the water and returns to bed. He lays awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, the scene replaying over and over and over in front of his eyes.

The knock on the door, the surprise and joy in Kevin's voice as he ushers him in, the bang of the gun. The knock, the voice, the gunshot. Knock. Voice. Gunshot. Over and over and over.

Somehow Javier eventually falls asleep but it continues night after night after night, it may start different but it ends the same way every single time; with Javier pulling out his gun and shooting Kevin dead.

It had gone on for weeks when Javier found his solution: alcohol. He drank right before bed and the dreams either stopped or he didn't remember them. The closer to the end of the suspension it got the more alcohol he needed until about two weeks before the date his suspension was up. It had stopped working and Javier knew he needed to wean himself back to normal or at least some semblance before the time came to return to the 12th.

He didn't want anyone there to see him like this because they were his family there, where he was now, his apartment wasn't his real home. True, he'd felt like this about the 54th but it wasn't the same as it was at the 12th, at the 12th he felt more at home than he'd been anywhere else. It was the people that made the place, they could be in Boston or Dallas but they'd still be home.

It hit him at that moment and that night no dreams came and the night after that and the night after that up until right now, right here in the bullpen of the 12th.

Javier sighs as he drains the last of his beer. Ever since that night when everything had snapped into laser focus he hadn't had a dream unless he was around Kevin, then it was just like the day he got suspended and just like his first day back.

It scared the hell out of him. He didn't trust himself enough anymore, not around Kevin. With every attempt Kevin made at reforming their once inseparable bond Javier just pushed him away, it hurt his heart and it pained him even more how much he knew it hurt Kevin but it had to be done. If they got close again it put Kevin in constant danger, if Javier snapped it could be too late, beyond repair.

Javier hopes it's not permanent that someday he could trust himself enough to get close again, he just hopes it's not too late to apologize.

Part 3 of 8


	4. Take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you

Apologize  
Chapter 4: Kevin Ryan  
'Take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you'

Ryan can barely hear himself think over the sound of his and Esposito's labored breathing as they scale yet another flight of decrepit stairs. Beckett's words seem to play over and over inside his head though, there was no way he was forgetting what she'd told them. "This guy is dangerous. I don't care what you do, just get him off the street. Don't let him get away."

They reach the top of the flight and Esposito pushes the door open, gun first, Ryan follows suit staying close behind his partner. Despite doing this so many times with his partner he could probably do it in his sleep it feels awkward. His thigh brushes Esposito and they both flinch back. He mutters an apology as they continue to make their way around the 8th floor of the building.

Ryan sees it a second before it happens. He lunges for his partner, a cry of warning forming on his lips.

A cry of alarm escapes Esposito as his feet find themselves in open air for a brief second before he starts falling through the hole in the floor.

Esposito's arm shoots up in the air and Ryan grabs for it. For a split second he has him but his fingers slip. "No!"

Esposito falls away from him over the edge as Ryan slams face first into the floor.

Ryan pulls his knees under himself and scrambles top the edge, whispering Esposito's name, bracing himself for the worst. When Ryan looks over the edge he lets a small cry of joy escape him. Just out of reach Esposito is hanging perfectly safe. "Javi!"

Esposito looks up and shouts, "Ryan! You wanna help me up?"

"Not that I'm not glad, but how the hell are you," Ryan frowns thinking of a way to describe what he's thinking.

Esposito seems to understand what Ryan is trying to say and answers. "My vest. It caught on a broken piece of something, it's probably no good now."

Ryan sighs with relief and sends up a quick prayer thanking the Lord for his partner's luck and vest.

It wasn't the first time their vests had saved their lives. Ryan remembers all too well a crazy bust back in his Narcotics days. It was his Kevlar vest that had saved his life that night, his partner for the particular bust had not been so lucky, he'd been the one undercover that night.

Ryan had received a few cracked ribs and a medal, his partner's family a folded flag.

Ryan shakes himself out of his memories and cautiously inches forwards on his belly, testing the crumbling building before he moves. Ryan reaches down and stretches towards Esposito's outstretched hands.

With some difficulty Ryan grabs hold of Esposito's forearms and hauls him to safety, there's a terrible ripping sound but at least they're both safe and out of immediate danger.

They lay there panting for a second until Esposito sits up and takes off his vest to examine the damage. The vest is practically worthless, but Esposito pulls it back on anyway, better some protection than none.

"Thanks," he says as they both get to their feet.

"Don't mention it," replies Ryan.

They head back towards the stairs and climb to the 9th floor, which has no door. Esposito takes point again while Ryan starts up to check the 10th.

 **BANG!**  A gunshot rings out, echoing through the decrepit building. Their suspect emerges from around a corner and points his gun at Esposito's face.

Esposito slowly raises his hands in the air, his gun held loosely, "slowly bend down and put your gun on the ground, then slide it to me."

Esposito complies and their suspect crouches down to the gun in his waistband, keeping his eyes and gun trained on Esposito the entire time.

 **BANG!**  Their suspect yanks his hand back in surprise as a bullet hits the cement inches away from his hand and Esposito's gun. Their suspect trains his gun back on Esposito but before he can collect himself- **BANG!**  Another gunshot rings through the air and their suspect's gun goes flying out of his hand. **BANG!** Another shot hits right between their suspect's feet. A furious Detective Kevin Ryan emerges from the stairwell, gun at the ready. "Get your hands where I can see 'em! On your knees!"

Their suspect raises his hands and starts to get to his knees. Before either Detective can do anything their suspect has rabbited forward and behind a large metal pole. Seconds later a metal cannister rolls towards them.

 **BANG!** Ryan tackles Esposito to the cement. Blinding white light and a cloud of smoke fills the air. They hear footsteps running towards them and Esposito lunges towards the sound, he catches an ankle and their suspect goes down hard. Moments later Esposito yelps and the sound of their suspect high-tailing it down the stairs follows. "He's got a knife!"

"Are you hurt?" Ryan asks, handing Esposito his gun.

"I'll live, he just got my left hand pretty good," Esposito tosses the words over his shoulder as he gives chase. "Find his gun!"

Ryan opens his mouth to protest, but Esposito has already vanished down the stairs. He finds the gun soon enough and starts after their suspect and Esposito.

Esposito catches up to their suspect in the moonlit alley and grips his gun as best he can with his cut hand. "NYPD! Freeze!"

Their suspect jumps ever so slightly but recovers and dives behind a dumpster. A knife comes flying out from behind the dumpster and Esposito ducks, cursing as his gun skitters away from him yet again.

The moon goes behind a cloud and the weak, pale light it shed vanishes. Esposito backs up quickly in search of his gun. No noise comes from their suspect. Then a rock skips across the uneven pavement.

Pounding footsteps. A flash of metal in the moonlight as it slowly returns. A weight slams into Esposito's side. He goes flying to the side and lands on his gun. A cry of pain or surprise. He's not sure. A body hits the ground. Another pained cry. Footsteps heading away from them. Another cry of pain. A shout of alarm. Someone else hits the pavement.

The moon emerges fully as Esposito approaches with his gun ready. Their suspect is laying on the ground, clutching his ankle, his knife is nowhere in sight. Ryan kneels a foot away, his back to Esposito, his gun trained on their suspect.

Esposito hurries over and cuffs their suspect before hauling him to his feet. He walks him the short distance to their car and practically throws him in the back seat. He turns back to see Ryan hasn't moved an inch. He's still kneeling on the pavement, hunched over, clutching his midsection, his gun resting next to him. 

Esposito starts over, holstering his gun. "Hey! What are you doing?"

Ryan looks up at Esposito as he pulls the knife out of his stomach with shaky blood covered hands. "Javi-." Ryan collapses to the pavement and Esposito runs over, dropping to his knees next to his fallen partner.

Part 4 of 8


	5. I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new

Apologize  
Chapter 5: Kevin Ryan  
'I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new.'

Kevin gasps in pain as he pulls the knife out. He hears Javier's approaching footsteps and his question. "Javi-," he manages to gasp. He collapses to the pavement, unable to hold himself up any longer.

A few moments later Javier drops to the ground besides him. "Shit, Kev. You pushed me out of the way. Why would you do that? I have my vest." He pulls Kevin up onto his chest and presses his hand against the knife wound.

Kevin sucks in a pained breath. "Your vest wasn't going to stop that knife, I just wasn't expecting it to hit that low."

Javier pulls out his phone with one hand and with some difficulty calls the precinct. "Hey, Beckett, we got him, but Ryan's hurt. Can you send backup and an ambulance?"

Esposito hangs up and slips his phone back in his pocket. "You're gonna be okay Kevin, help is only a little ways out. I'm right here. You did good, in fact you were kind of badass, certainly saved my ass."

Ryan nods. "I'm glad you're okay, Javi. T-Thank you f-for staying with m-me."

Esposito nods. "Kevin, I'm s-," he breaks off because Kevin's eyes have closed. "Kevin? Open your eyes, come on stay awake!" The wail of approaching sirens draws Esposito's attention away from his partner as an ambulance and Beckett's car race up.

Two paramedics run towards him, wheeling a gurney. Esposito stands up to greet them as they lift Ryan onto the gurney. "How long since he passed out?"

"Not even a minute. He was stabbed with this," he holds up the knife Ryan had pulled out of himself.

The two paramedics wheel Ryan over to the ambulance as Castle and Beckett run up. "What the hell happened?"

"We got him. Ryan saved my ass like three times. I ruined this vest. Ryan got stabbed. I'm going with him. Our guy is in our car." Esposito says robotically.

He climbs in the ambulance and the door closes.

 

He wakes to the sound of beeping, blindingly bright white lights, walls and sheets, the smell of antiseptic and a hand holding his. "Javi?"

A hand strokes his hair away from his forehead. "No Kevin, it's me, Kate."

He blinks a few times until Kate comes into focus. "Hey, what are you doing here? Is Javier okay?"

Kate rubs his hand. "He's fine, thanks to you."

"Why isn't Javi here? No offense."

Kate sighs. "He was here, but he's going through some stuff."

"What stuff? Didn't you say he was fine?" Ryan asks, confused, he was the one who got stabbed.

"He fell asleep while he was watching you and started screaming and crying. He was a real mess, I told him to go home, take some medicine and get some rest. Is something going on between you two?" Beckett asks, concerned.

Ryan sighs, not meeting Beckett's gaze. He wants to tell her everything that had happened since that day on the roof. All the shit he'd gone through. All the hell he'd put himself through. The 3 months he'd spent hating himself and being hated by everyone around him, while she cuddled with Castle.

He wants to scream and shout and curse and cry. He wants to tell her all the times he'd been seconds away from getting a transfer, all the dreams he'd had. He wants to tell her about every single night he'd thrown up after waking up at 3, 4 in the morning, every single time he'd passed out.

He wanted her to know how much weight he'd lost, how he'd slowly sunken into depression, how he'd stopped caring. How he'd stopped fighting, how he'd stopped defending himself, how he'd given up. And worse, pulling himself together and putting on a fake smile when they all returned, happy and in love, while he himself had nobody.

He wanted them to feel the pain he felt, the pain he still feels.

Why hadn't they noticed? Why hadn't he received a single call or text for 3 months? How could they be so happy when he was dying inside? Why didn't they care or even bother to ask? How could they not see? Why did he have to put that false mask on?

Did he even cross their minds those 3 months?

Did they know how he was oh so close to ending it all one night?

Did they know how close he came?

But all he says is, "oh. No, everything's fine."

Part 5 of 8


	6. I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue

Apologize  
Chapter 6: Javier Esposito  
'I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue.'

A nurse grabs his arm firmly and guides him to a chair, his eyes never Kevin on his gurney as they wheel him down the hall and through the doors that separate them. 

He doesn't the nurse that leads him away, nor the paramedics who told him to stay back. He doesn't leap down the throat of anybody who comes through the doors. He doesn't yell or pace or cry. He just sits there and waits. Numb. 

He doesn't know what's wrong with him. His heart had tugged painfully when he'd realized Kevin had been stabbed and it had skipped a beat when Kevin's eyes had closed. But it didn't effect him, not nearly as much as it should've. 

He should've been a sobbing mess when the paramedics arrived. They should've had to restrain him, pull him away from Kevin. Beckett shouldn't have been able to get a clear word out of him. He should be fighting and yelling and pushing to get through those doors to Kevin, to stay with him.

But he's not, he's just numb.

Kevin almost died and he hadn't reacted as badly as he had when Lockwood almost shot Kevin's kneecap out, or when he'd seen Kevin laying pale and bleeding on the crappy motel floor where they'd sequestered Jerry Tyson.

A nurse stirs him out of his confused mind. "Mr. Esposito?"

"Detective. Is there any news?"

"Detective Ryan is in recovery, I can take you to see him now."

Esposito stands, nodding as the nurse leads him to a private recovery room.She opens the door and he steps inside, she closes it behind him. He stands there frozen, staring at the limp form of Kevin Ryan, propped up in the hospital bed with several wires and tubes coming from him. 

Esposito sits down in the seat next to the bed and takes Kevin's hand. He waits for the tears to come, the relief, the pang of sympathy, anything. But he's still numb.

 

When the paramedics arrive, they waste no time loading Ryan onto a stretcher and getting him down into the waiting ambulance. Javier follows right alongside as much as he can answering the questions he can. They load Ryan into the ambulance and Javier climbs in right after them, gripping Ryan's hand as if his life depends on it. 

They hook Ryan up to I.V fluids and a heart monitor as they work to stabilize him. The beeps are quiet, slow and far apart and then nonexistent. For the longest minutes of Javier’s life Kevin lays before him on the edge of life and death. For five long minutes Kevin Ryan was dead. 

When the beep of the heart monitor starts back up again Javi lets a single sob escape him as the ambulance screeches to a halt. Javi follows until they go through a set of doors and his path is blocked. “You have to let me through! You don't understand! He's my-,” he stops; partner just wasn't the right word anymore. 

He paces the hallway for hours, Castle and Beckett arrive soon after he does but he refuses to acknowledge their presence. His thoughts are all dedicated to one person and one person only; Kevin Ryan.

The only thing that drags him away from his pacing is the door opening. His head jerks automatically towards it and he freezes fixing his eyes on whoever happens to be exiting, staring at them until he knows they're not there about Kevin. 

A voice rings out. “Family of Kevin Ryan?”

Javier freezes for a heartbeat before racing over. “Is he gonna be okay? Do you know what happened to him? Can I see him?"

"We managed to stabilize him. But we lost him twice. We've moved him to a private intensive care recovery room. It's best only one of you go in at a time."

"We'll wait out here, go see him," he barely registers Beckett's voice.

Javier pushes the door to Kevin's room open slowly, closing it behind him quietly. Kevin's eyes are open and he stares listlessly at the wall. Kevin turns his head to look at Javier at the sound of the door closing. 

His plan originally was to walk slowly to the chair besides the bed, make a wiseass comment and pretend like everything's normal. But as soon as Kevin's eyes meet his, Javier's legs turn to jelly and he feels his heart break a little. He about collapses into the chair, his hand reaching out to grasp Kevin's.

"Hey, Javi," whispers Kevin, taking his hand.

"Hey, bro," he manages before he starts crying again.

"Hey, Javi. Shh, I'm okay," Kevin says, squeezing his hand.

"You were dead!" Javier cries. "Your heart stopped three damn times! You're in intensive care, so don't sit there and tell me you're okay!"

Kevin pulls Javier into an awkward half hug. "Okay, so maybe I'm not completely okay. But I'm not going anywhere."

"You don't know that! This was supposed to be an easy open and shut case! You got blown up, Kevin!"

"Whatever happens I know I'll be fine. You wanna know how I know that?"

"How? How could you possibly know that with so much certainty?"

"Because you're the guy watching my back, dumbass! Now stop crying all over me," says Kevin, a light-heartedness to his tone. 

Javier falls asleep, his head on Kevin's lap, their hands held tightly. He wakes up to a continuous beep and several nurses pulling him back. "No! Kevin! Don't you leave me! You promised me! Come back! **Kevin!** "

 

"Javi!" Javier jerks up wildly. Beckett's hand is on his shoulder, Castle and a few nurses are staring at him, concerned. Kevin lays in front of them, still unconscious, but alive. "You were screaming and crying, Javi."

Javier slumps in his seat, slightly embarrassed. "I was?"

"Yeah, you woke up half the hospital."

"Twice," Castle adds.

"Oh."

"Go home, Javi. Get a goodnight's sleep. Come back once you're rested. I'll watch over him and call you if there's any change," orders Beckett in her it's not up for discussion tone.

Javier does as he's told for once. As he lays in bed he thinks about his dream. _'Why hadn't he felt like that this time?'_ Kevin was probably in even more danger of dying this time and he'd hardly felt a thing. 

Javier realizes something deep down in his heart, as much as he doesn't want to belive it, he doesn't care anymore, not as much as he should. If it doesn't get better, it won't be safe for either of them to continue being partners. 

 

Part 6 of 8


	7. It's too late to apologize, it's too late

Apologize  
Chapter 7: Kevin Ryan  
'But I'm afraid. It's too late to apologize, it's too late.'

About a month later and life was almost back to normal at the 12th, except when it came to the matter of Javier and Kevin's partnership. Despite the ass saving and the near death experience things were rocky as they had been the first few weeks back from suspension.

They're investigating a murder that once again has Ryan sifting through papers, reports, phone, email, credit and bank records while Beckett chases down a fresh lead. Esposito, however is not in the desk besides his, he's with Beckett because Castle is dealing with something at the loft. 

Ryan's stomach complains loudly and he leans back in his chair, rubbing his eyes. He glances at the clock, it's almost four o'clock, no wonder he's hungry. Back around two he'd started getting hungry but told himself he could wait til Beckett and Esposito got back.

_*Ding!*_ Ryan swivels towards the elevator in time to watch the doors open, a familiar face walks out, not either of his partners, nor their resident writer, but Lanie.

Lanie makes a beeline towards his desk in time to hear Ryan's stomach rumble loudly again. "Woah. what, did you eat a lion for breakfast?"

"I wish. No, I'm waiting for Beckett and Espo to get back from chasing down a lead so I can finally get lunch."

Lanie scans the irish detective with critical eyes. "Then it's settled. Grab your coat!"

"What are you talking about?" Ryan asks, confused.

"I'm taking you to lunch, whether you like it or not," declares Lanie, "my treat."

Ryan stands slowly, stretching before he grabs his suitcoat off the back of his chair. Lanie is already halfway to the elevator by this point. 

Ryan hurries to catch up and they step into the elevator together. Once inside Lanie pushes the button to the ground floor rather than the parking garage.

Ryan and Lanie step out of the 12th and into the warm late afternoon sun. Lanie leads him down the sidewalk and surprises Ryan by heading right to the hot dog vendor he and Espo usually go to. 

"How's it going Detective Ryan, the usual?"

"Yes, please. Good, thanks. How are things with you?"

"Same old, same old. You gonna introduce your lady friend?"

"Right, sorry. Lanie this is Charlie, Charlie this is Lanie one of our resident MEs."

Charlie extends his hand and Lanie takes it. "And what would a member of New York's finest like on her hot dog?"

Lanie shakes his hand and smiles. "It's a pleasure to meet you, and if it's not too much trouble I'll have a coney dog, hold the onions."

"The pleasure is all mine, coming right up."

A few minutes later they receive their hot dogs and pay. They say goodbye to Charlie and Lanie once again takes the lead further down the sidewalk.

Lanie leads Ryan across the road to a small park with a bench, a trashcan, a lightpole and a tree. They sit down and eat in silence for a few minutes before Ryan breaks the silence. "So, what's this all about?"

"Hmm?" Lanie asks, not really paying attention as she takes another bite of her coney dog.

"You want to talk about something, don't you?" Ryan says, knowing Lanie all too well.

Lanie finishes her coney dog and puts her wrapper and napkins in the trash before she turns to face Ryan. "Guilty as charged. I'm worried about you."

"Me? Why? What about? Because if this is about the stabbing, it's been over a month. I'm perfectly fine, just a little scar."

"It's not nessasarily about the stabbing, Ryan. It never should've happened in the first place, had it happened a year ago that knife wouldn't have gotten close to either one of you."

"Oh, so that's what this is about. Me and Espo."

"You two still haven't buried the hatchet and I can see it's effecting both of you and not just your partnership."

Ryan sighs heavily. "I know, Lanie. Trust me, I know."

"You wanna talk about it?"

_'Yes!'_ He shouts internally, but what comes out is, "no. Not especially."

"The hell it is! I'm not blind, I can see it's eating you up."

Ryan remains silent, arguing with himself in his head. _'To tell our not to tell? And how much?'_

"Kevin," the use of his first name settles the internal battle for him and it all comes spilling out. Everything he'd wanted to scream at Beckett in the hospital over a month ago. Every thought, every feeling, every dream, every memory.

Lanie remains silent through it all, by the end Kevin is crying and tears are shining in her eyes as well. "Oh, Kevin," she pulls him into a hug, letting him cry on her shoulder for a while.

Ryan pulls back and Lanie wipes a tear from his cheek. "So, what are you going to do now?"

Ryan sighs heavily as they stand and start back towards the 12th. "I think I'm going to have to get that transfer order. It's not getting worse, but it's not getting any better either. I don't want to, not after everything, but you're right. If that whole mess that ended with me getting stabbed had gone down before all this it wouldn't have ended like that, not even close. One or both of us is going to end up dead at this rate. I'd rather transfer than have that happen."

"When will you get it?" Lanie asks as they wait at the crosswalk.

"When we get back or else I won't do it. I just won't hand it in right away, not until I'm sure," he replies as he starts out onto the pavement. "Thank-," **BEEP!** The rest of his sentence is drowned out by a car horn.

**"LOOK OUT!"**

Ryan turns just in time to see the front of a car hurtling towards his chest. He goes flying as the car manages to stop a split second too late and everything goes black with an explosion of pain.

Part 7 of 8


	8. Chapter 8

Apologize  
Chapter 8: Javier Esposito  
It's too late to apologize, it's too late.

Kevin is in the hospital. Again. He'd been hit by a car. The breaks had malfunctioned. Kevin is in the hospital. Again. He'd been hit by a car. The breaks had malfunctioned.

Those words play over and over in both Javier and Kate's heads as they speed towards the hospital, siren wailing.

They race to the front desk and Javier nearly shoves his badge down the startled nurses throat. "I'm looking for my partner! Detective Kevin Ryan!"

"He's still in surgery Mr-Detective, but you can wait for him up on the third floor, just down the hall to-."

"Thank you," Javier cuts her off, it was the same place he'd been last time while waiting for Kevin to get out of surgery from the knife wound.

Javier races towards the elevators, but instead takes the stairs two at a time. He emerges on the third floor and starts down the thin hallway to the right. The hallway eventually widens into a waiting room of sorts, he'd been here several times before. 

Lanie is standing there in the middle of the room, crying, her shaking bloody hands held up to her face. Javier races up as she turns around. **SMACK!**

Javier steps back, his hand instinctively moving up to cup his red cheek. "What the hell was that for?!" Lanie had slapped him. 

"It's your fault!" Lanie shouts with a sob. 

"What? What's my fault?"

"Kevin!"

"How is that my fault? I wasn't even there! You said he got hit by a car!"

 

Kate rushes up at this point. She takes in the scene before her and steps in between them. "Woah! Fighting is not going to help. Both of you take a deep breath and let's go sit down and talk."

Javier stalks over and sits in a chair, Kate sits next to him and guides Lanie to the chair on her other side. "Now, what's going on," she asks calmly, while at the same time struggling to keep her emotions in check.

"I dunno, I just walked up and Lanie slapped me, then she started yelling at me," says Javier, mostly in confusion.

"Lanie," Kate says, turning to her best friend. "Why did you slap Espo?"

"Because," she starts, crying, "it's all his fault."

"Again with that! I was not there, you were!" Javier replies, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

Kate shoots him a look before turning back to Lanie. "That doesn't make any sense. How could it be Esposito's fault, he was with me?"

"Exactly!" Lanie takes a deep breath, trying to regain some control. "Let me start from the beginning."

Lanie takes another deep breath and continues. "You guys were working a case which led to Kevin going through paperwork and Kate, you were chasing down a fresh lead, but you had Javier with you because Castle was dealing with something at the loft, correct?"

They nod. Javier opens his mouth to add something but Kate shushes him.

 

"So, I come up around four to see if anyone was up for a late lunch. I don't see either of you guys so I go up to Kevin's desk and his stomach is rumbling like he ate a lion for breakfast. He said he was waiting for you guys to get back so he could go get lunch for himself. He looked overworked and tired so I told him that I was taking him to lunch whether he liked it or not. So we went down to your normal hot dog vendor, Charlie and chatted while we got our food. Then we went to that little park down and across the street."

Lanie pauses for a second to collect her thoughts and emotions on what came next. "Now, Kevin could tell I wanted to talk about something. And he was right, I did. I wanted to talk to him about you two," she gestures to Javier, "and your partnership lately. I've been seeing it for a while, you two still haven't buried the hatchet about the suspension. See, while you guys were gone Kevin and I were still there and I could see what was going on, but I had no idea until he told me."

"What are you talking about?" Kate asks. Javier remains silent now, guilt beginning to gnaw at his insides.

Lanie then tells them everything Kevin had told her in the park, every dream, every incident at the 12th, every memory. She tells them all the times he'd fallen asleep in the bathroom with his gun, how much weight he'd lost, how disheveled he'd become, how he hadn't done anything but paperwork and cold cases because nobody would work with him. She tells them how he'd sunken into depression, how he'd been close to getting a transfer. She tells them everything single thing Kevin had kept bottled up, and what she herself had too.

By the time she's finished everyone is crying again. "We started heading back and he said that he was getting the transfer order the minute we got back, so if things didn't get better he'd have it. He was just telling me that he'd made his decision to get it when the car hit him."

Kate and Lanie hug, using each other as support and a shoulder to cry on. 

Javier just sits there in disbelief, tears running down his cheeks, his mind going over everything. Somewhere deep inside him a weight lifts, light breaks through, his heart cracks.

"Family of Kevin Ryan?"

Javier rockets to his feet. "Yes!? Is he alright? Can I see him?"

The doctor makes his way over to them while the three of them hold their breaths, staring at him. "He's still critical, but for the time being he's stable. We've got him in intensive care on life support. He's in a kind of coma but we expect him to wake in the next 48 hours, if not..."

"Can I see him?" Javier asks, still holding onto the belief that if he went in there everything would be okay, he just had to see him.

"One at a time, yes I suppose that's alright. I'll take you to him," the doctor leads Javier away, towards Kevin.

The doctor stops outside a door. "This is his room, there's a red call button besides his bed, if there's any change push it."

Javier waits until the doctor has turned the corner before he slowly opens the door and steps inside Kevin's room, closing the door behind him. 

His eyes land on his partner and the sight shocks him to his core. Javier slumps against the door, sliding down to the floor, unable to stay standing at the sight before him. 

Kevin is surrounded by a dozen or so beeping, whooshing, hissing machines hooked up to him by wires and tubes and IV's. He looks so small, so fragile, lying so still in the middle of the army of machines keeping him alive. 

Javier uses the doorhandle to get to his feet and staggers over to the chair residing next to the bed, he collapses into it and takes Kevin's hand. He squeezes Kevin's hand. "I'm so sorry, Kevin. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being so stubborn. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry I let something so stupid get in the way of our friendship. I'm sorry I didn't see how much you were hurting. Most of all I'm sorry I don't have the guts to say this to your face," he whispers.

Javier lays his head down and closes his eyes. He doesn't know how many hours later it is when he wakes, but he stands and makes his way down the hall to the bathroom. He takes his time, washing the sleep from his face, before he starts back to Kevin's room. 

On his way back there's a commotion ahead of him and his heart skips a beat. He races down the hall only to stop dead in Kevin's doorway, an army of medical staff are swarming in and out of Kevin's room in a panic.Snapping out of his stupor he raises his voice above the din of medical jargon. "What happened? Is he gonna be okay? What's going on?"

A nurse comes over to him and leads him gently out of the way as the others go speeding by, pulling Kevin's bed with them. "Your partner's monitor's showed that his body was in distress and his vitals began dropping. We need to take him back to surgery to make sure there's no internal bleeding. I'll take you to where you can wait until-"

**"CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE!"**

The announcement comes over the speakers and the nurse breaks off before she regains her composure. "Detective Esposito, if you'll come with me, please."

"Wait, what does that mean? Is it about my partner? Is he alright?"

The nurse doesn't reply but pushes him gently towards the doors to the waiting room. "Please, Detective Esposito, this way. As soon as we know something you'll be notified, but only if you come with me."

Esposito heaves a sigh, but allows himself to be led out to the waiting room and into a seat. The nurse approaches a nearby desk and whispers something to the nurse, pointing at Esposito before she hurries back the way they'd come.

A few minutes later Lanie stops in front of him with two coffees. "Hey, what are you doing out here? Last I heard you were passed out in Kevin's room." Esposito looks up at her and her smile fades. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"What's code blue?"

"What?"

"I said, what's code blue mean, Lanie?"

 

"It means there's a patient in need of immediate medical attention usually due to respiratory or cardiac arrest," replies Lanie in a whisper.

Javier's heart drops even further in his chest at confirmation of his fears. "Kevin... he could die thinking I hate him, Lanie."

 

A little while later a doctor comes out and the woman at the desk points him over towards them. They both stand at his approach. "What happened?"

"Is he going to be alright?"

"Is he alive?"

"We managed to stabilize him. The good news is he's come out of his coma. The bad news is, the reason he's come out of his coma is his vitals started to drop. We took him into surgery, ran a series of tests and found he still had some minor internal bleeding, which we've stopped. We had to give him a few transfusions and we've moved him back to his room. I can take you to see him now."

Esposito turns and takes Lanie's hand. "Tell Castle and Beckett what's happened, I need to stay with him, Lanie."

Lanie nods in understanding and embraces him for a second before she turns to leave,  Esposito follows the doctor back to Ryan's room.

"Damn you, Kevin Ryan." Javier says as he closes the door behind him. "Damn you for scaring me like that."

Javier sits besides Kevin's bed again, takes his hand and waits.

Kevin takes a deep breath and squeezes Javier's hand ever so slightly. "Kevin? Kevin, it's me, it's, Javi."

Kevin takes a few more deep breaths and his eyes start to flicker open, slowly. "Javier?"

"Hey, easy does it, bro," Javier says softly.

Kevin struggles but manages to turn his head, shock tempers the pain and confusion clouding his bright blue eyes. "What happened? What are you doing here?"

"You don't remember? Kevin, you got hit by a car," he replies softly.

"Oh, right, I was at lunch with Lanie, you weren't there," he trails off, looking away. "Hey, what are you doing here anyway? And why’d you call me, Kevin?"

"Why wouldn't I be here, bro? And why wouldn't I call you, Kevin? It is your name after all," Javier says, hoping to lighten the mood, but deep inside fearing the worse.

"No it's not. Not to you. Not for months," replies Kevin, emotionless.

"No, what's not?" Javier whispers.

"My name. It's not Kevin. At least not to you or to anyone else. Not anymore. Now, why are you here?"

"Why wouldn't I be? You're my partner."

"Since when?"

"Since always, bro. Since-."

"Don't call me that!" Kevin snaps, yanking his hand away.

"What? Bro?" Javier asks, shocked.

"Yeah. Not Bro. Not Kevin. Not Kev. Not you. Not anymore," he replies bitterly. "Get out, Javier."

"What? Kevin-."

 

"No! You heard me, Javier. Get out. Get out and don't come back."

"You know I can't do that. I'm your partner, that means-," Javier starts to argue.

But Kevin interrupts him," that means you're with me till the wheels fall off," he finishes with a sneer. "Well, guess what! The wheels fell off a long time ago, you slashed them, burned them and then blew up the whole damn thing! I was just foolishly holding them on by myself, waiting for you to pull your head out your ass, till that damn car knocked some sense into me! Now get out now and don't come back!"

"Kev-."

"No! Get out! Get out and don't come back!"

Javier struggles to his feet and walks slowly over to the door, tears brimming in his eyes, placing his hand on the handle he turns back to face the livid Irishman in the bed, wondering what happened to his partner, searching for the Kevin he knows. "Kevin, I-."

**"GET OUT!"** Kevin screams at the top of his lungs, throwing a cup of tapioca pudding.

Javier opens the door and closes it behind him quietly as the pudding cup explodes against the wall. Javier makes his way out to the nurse's station and informs them that Kevin is awake, then he heads home in a daze. 

That night both men cry themselves to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well all that's left now is the epilogue, thanks to all those who have joined me on this emotional journey.


End file.
